I know we ALL feel as if the majority of 2020 has just been plain awful. It’s not to say that there haven’t been good times, moments, achievements, etc, but overall, the majority of this year has just been a shit show.
This year literally started off with us celebrating our baby boy’s FIRST birthday!!! We were so excited and so filled with love, happiness and joy, that we were completely blindsided by what the rest of the year had to offer…..
January started the first of many, and yes, I mean MANY, deaths in our family. The end of January was also when our baby Ronan had surgery that landed him in the hospital for a 3 days/2nights. That was one of the scariest moments in my life as a mama, and I pray to God I never have to relive those days again.
You all know how the rest of the year goes….pandemic, homeschooling/e-learning, riots, election year, etc. Add in a few deaths (not Covid-related) plus losing some friendships along the way…oh and some killer bees, fires, hurricanes/tropical storms…you know, basically a fantastic year…..psych!
The last half of 2020 is pretty much going as “swimmingly” as the first half. I get to end 2020 with surgery that is going to forever change my life…..
If you know me well, you know I always wanted a lot of kids…like 6. HAHA! I was really hoping to have 4, but due to medical issues (endometriosis and PCOS), I was always praying for 1. I got 3, THREE, beautiful, healthy, and amazing babies. I am forever grateful and blessed to have them. I had relatively healthy pregnancies. I had beautiful, safe, and healthy deliveries. And I am forever blessed! But I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt that this chapter in my life is over.
I will never have another fantastic and frightening day all in one when I find out I’m pregnant…and now have to tell Vince! (Haha) I will never have another pregnancy where I feel a baby move and grow and literally kick my ass daily. I will never have another delivery and recovery in the hospital where for just 2-3 days, it is all about mama & baby! I will never have the excitement of bringing a new baby home and having them meet their family and friends. I won’t ever have another year of firsts….first word, first time rolling over, first time eating food, first time crawling or walking etc.
It hurts. It’s painful. It’s sad. And I’m not handling it well. Due to the endometriosis and PCOS, I know I’m making the right choice for me and my family. Hell, Vince and I even tried for #4 for 16/17 months before officially calling it quits. Mentally, I just cannot wake up with another menstrual cycle knowing this month wasn’t the month. Mentally, I just cannot take an early test and always seeing “NEGATIVE” on it because it didn’t work that month. Mentally, I just need to be done for the health of myself and the well-being of my family. But it sucks.
I’m going to feel sorry for myself for the next couple weeks, but nice the surgery is done and I’ve basically recovered, I will be moving on. I will “pick myself up by my bootstraps” and I will be the best mama, wife, and me I can be!!! But for now, I will feel sad, hurt, upset, defeated, and betrayed. And you know what….it’s okay that I feel that way. I owe nobody an explanation, and I don’t plan on defending myself. But, if somebody wants to *ask* I will gladly explain!
But 2020 is definitely a year that I won’t EVER miss!!!!!!!